People-Pleasing Money Martyrs

July 31, 2014 By

BLOG letters on corkboardHere is a recap of my latest blogs, just in case you missed them previously!

 

Are you a people-pleaser?

Now, first I want to say that it isn’t a bad thing to want to please. It’s actually quite admirable and kind. The thing is, when you begin to tip the scale and please others first before yourself, you are on a slippery slope to self-destruction, unhappiness and misery. Oh, and let’s not forget resentment and then anger! Click here to finish reading…

 

Are you a Money Martyr?

What is a martyr? For those of you who have no idea, for our purposes here it is defined as a sufferer for a cause and a willing victim. So how does that relate to money? Well, are you settling with making less money than you want or you need to live on? Are you self-employed and are reluctant to raise your fees? Are you employed and afraid to ask for a raise or go for a promotion? Find out more by clicking this link…

 

Filed Under: Money Habits, Personal Development, Self Worth Tagged With: ,

Are You a Money Martyr?

July 24, 2014 By

NOT ENOUGH !!!I’m cracking myself up here – when this title came to me, I thought “I must write about it!” But wondered will anyone even know what I’m talking about? And if not, will they be curious enough to read to find out? I guess we’ll see!

So here you are reading this. Let me guess, you either are a Money Martyr or you said “What the heck is this? Maybe I am and maybe I’m not, but I’m going to find out.” So let’s begin.

What is a martyr? For those of you who have no idea, for our purposes here it is defined as a sufferer for a cause and a willing victim.

So how does that relate to money? Well, are you settling with making less money than you want or you need to live on? Are you self-employed and are reluctant to raise your fees? Are you employed and afraid to ask for a raise or go for a promotion? That means you are a willing victim, and I guess it could be defined as a sufferer for a cause.

What cause you might ask? Well, the cause of not wanting to rock the boat, or for fear of speaking up for yourself. You are afraid someone will say no, so you don’t ask.

Another example is if you never stand up for yourself when someone wants to negotiate your rates. You almost always say “Oh, okay” because you don’t want to lose out on them as a client or income. Yet, you aren’t actually getting the work you really want or the money you really want and/or need when you do that. Also you might always just say ‘yes’ because there is money involved, but not take a look to see if you are being paid what you need to make. You sell yourself out. It’s not exactly the most powerful place you put yourself in!

If you give your services and/or products away for less than what they should be sold for because you think that your clients can’t pay… you are suffering for someone else’s cause. Maybe you do a lot of pro bono work because the ‘cause’ — and in this case we mean ‘cause’ literally — is a worthy cause doing good work. One client I worked with spent so much time working for a non-profit free of charge that she didn’t have time to bring in her own new business!

A Money Martyr is someone who puts themselves last at the expense of someone or something else. And then what do you get? You certainly aren’t making the money you want, and then you get a whole lot of resentment and bad feelings about the other person and even about yourself (which in case you are wondering, can be even more detrimental to your welfare).

So you are sacrificing yourself and your earning potential for a cause? Here is an insight to try on; you can still be a part of the cause and not be the sufferer of the cause yourself.

How do you avoid being a Money Martyr?

Identify where you might be suffering for a cause or a willing victim. Determine why you are putting yourself in that position. A lot of times, there is fear involved or even feelings of self-worth. We don’t think we are worth what we are asking for so we undermine ourselves and give in. We accept less than what we want and a need to live on. Then we end up working more and feeling burnt out, stressed out and angry.

Take steps to work on your ‘why’. Get help, ask a trusted friend for assistance, hire a coach or even seek therapy. By honoring yourself and your needs, and learning to value yourself, you will no longer be a Money Martyr — or any kind of martyr for that matter — because how you do money is usually how you do everything!

Filed Under: Money Habits, Self Worth Tagged With: , , ,

Who exactly is in charge here?

July 17, 2014 By

Adhesive notesAre you a sole practitioner (aka solopreneur) working for yourself? Do you ever ask yourself the question “Who exactly is in charge here?” I know I have and so have my clients!

As a matter of fact, I asked myself this question just recently when I realized that my schedule was running the show. It was prompted by a call I had with my accountability partner; she asked me what I had on my calendar and task list. As I began to read off everything to her, I realized I had a lot of stuff that I wanted to do one day yet was not supporting me today. They were causing me to feel stressed out and as if I wasn’t getting anything done!

And then it began… with a sweep of a mouse and a click, I deleted 10 tasks right then and there while we were on the phone. After the call I decided to do what I knew needed to be done. I moved what wasn’t a high priority to a main list, and then used that list to put what I wanted and needed to do onto my schedule. Because it felt so good, I decided to do the same thing with several things in my personal life, too!

What I asked myself was “Is this a want to do now or a want to do some day?” If it was a ‘now’, then I scheduled it. If it was a ‘some day’, I then asked myself “If it is a ‘some day’, will I really do it?” and if the answer was no – I deleted it or threw it out. If it was a yes, I put it in a place where I could see it again at another point in time. It was liberating and freeing… and all of a sudden I wasn’t weighed down anymore!

So, my friend, that leads me to this question, Where are you holding yourself back from completion?

The other thing my accountability partner and I talked about was how we spent a lot of time planning and not so much execution. Therefore we committed to each other to spend 10% on planning and 90% on execution. I can say “So far, so good” on that one. I’m feeling pretty good about myself, let me tell ya!

I realize now that I wasn’t in charge of anything, I was allowing other people to set my schedule; when they were available, I would be too even if it meant that I put off something I needed to get done. I allowed tasks to rule what I was doing without prioritizing or even asking if the task was moving me toward my goal, backward or in a holding pattern. I wasn’t clear; I just was doing stuff because I felt that I needed to be doing it and not question it.

I’m far smarter now and have a clearer strategy, yet I can get caught off-guard too. Here are several tips for you to be in charge of your life, your schedule and you to-dos!

  • Be clear about why you want to do something. Do you know your why? Why are you going to do this task, what will you gain from it, it is something that will move you forward in your business and/or in your life? Those inquiries are key; otherwise you will end up doing things willy-nilly and then wonder where all your time went.
  • Is this something that needs to be done now or later? If it is a ‘now’, then schedule it into your calendar and then do it. Honor the time that you chose to complete your task. If it is a ‘later’ and you are clear about why you want to do it, put it on a some day list or maybe list, but don’t allow it to take charge.
  • Be real with the delete key. Is this something that you really need and/or want to do? If the answer is ‘no’, then delete it or throw it out. Holding onto something that you really don’t need to do or want to do is a surefire way to keep yourself in overwhelm, stressed out and absolutely frustrated. Let it go! Trust me on this one. There will be other things that come to you which will be a perfect fit.

Don’t allow your to-dos, calendar appointments and other people’s priorities to be in charge of you and your business. You are the one in charge of you, your schedule and your results. Just make sure you are working on the right results!

Have a thought, comment or suggestion? Please feel free to share either by sending me a personal email at kim@kimravida.com or comment below!

Filed Under: Personal Development Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Are you a people pleaser?

July 10, 2014 By

Happy couple looking at each other while stretching in the parkIf you said no, congratulations! If you said yes, well, you can always change.

Now, first I want to say that it isn’t a bad thing to want to please. It’s actually quite admirable and kind. The thing is, when you begin to tip the scale and please others first before yourself, you are on a slippery slope to self-destruction, unhappiness and misery. Oh, and let’s not forget resentment and then anger!

Okay, so now that you know what happens when you don’t put your oxygen mask on yourself first (besides ending up being asphyxiated with smoke and then the person you were trying to help suffers the same fate) it’s time to look at caring for yourself first.

Oh, I know what you are thinking! You believe that taking care of yourself first is selfish. Wrong! Yet how can you truly and honestly have the energy to care for (read: help, aid, support, encourage) others, when you’re dragged out, irritable or stressed? You can’t. That’s it, end of argument. You don’t even have to think about it anymore.

I’m not advocating you tell everyone in your life: “Hey, listen up, you are all on your own, I’m no longer available to do things for you.” But I am suggesting that you take some time for yourself. You need to be yourself, do for yourself, and enjoy things you like to do and without feeling that someone else might be mad.

This goes for all of you – and you know who you are and your role. It goes for the care-givers in families and in the workplace. It goes for women and men.

By taking leave of yourself and your self-care and giving it all over to another, is not — and I’m going to repeat — is not going to make you a better person. To be a better person to another, you need to be a better person to yourself first.

Remember, you are the only YOU you have, and you are the only YOU your loved ones have, so what will it be? Will you honor yourself just like you honor others? I hope so. You are worthy of it and I’m willing to bet that your loved ones think so too!

Filed Under: Self Worth Tagged With: , , , ,

Leadership and Pleasing Outcomes

June 26, 2014 By

BLOG letters on corkboardToday I share my blog posts that you might have missed over the past few weeks. They are insightful and though-provoking. You know I like to inspire action and change!

Are you a leader?
What is leadership? Well, lots of people think it means leading others. But did you know that we lead ourselves too? You can only lead others successfully if you lead yourself well first. Click here for steps to guide and direct others so that you are in a leadership role in your work.

Create outcomes that are both pleasing and stress free!
Instead of living your life by the seat of your pants and reacting to all that happens to you – be in the driver’s seat and create outcomes that are both pleasing and stress free. Create a back-up plan; that “what if” plan. Be prepared and you’ll find that when your day throws you a curve ball, it can actually be quite enjoyable and fun. Continue reading here.

 

Filed Under: Personal Development, Reaching Goals Tagged With: , , ,

Create Outcomes That Are Both Pleasing and Stress Free

June 19, 2014 By

Woman with computer problemsOne day last month on a Wednesday — which happens to be a busy day in my office — my Internet decided to go out for whatever reason. Well, most of my work is done using the Internet so you can imagine that threw me for a loop. And oh, by the way, I was also on a Blog Talk Radio Show at the time and got dropped from the call. Thank goodness for cell phones!

I called the provider only to be told that it will be back on later. Later??? Well, exactly WHEN later?

I had a 3:00pm call scheduled in which my client was calling me. And I had no way to reach her as she wasn’t going to be in her usual space. I had to do a few jumps through hoops to figure out how to let her know to call my cell phone. Okay, so I learned a lesson: when scheduling client calls, give them my cell phone as well so that in the case they dial and can’t get through, they have an alternative.

Usually we plan about, oh, 2 seconds into the future or okay, maybe 10 minutes. And usually we are okay. But for those times when we aren’t, what can we do in advance to ensure that we can always run optimally?

One thing we can do is to have a secondary (or back up) plan for our regular day-to-day operations. When your Internet goes out, how and where will you work. A second outfit for work so that if we spill or notice a stain on what we planned to wear we can quickly and easily change to something else. A second idea/way of doing things if our first (and preferential) way of doing it doesn’t pan out as planned.

The funny thing though is most of us DO plan for the “what ifs”, we just don’t put concrete actions into place. You know that “I need to back-up my computer because what if the hard drive dies” … yet do you back-up your computer? I didn’t until my hard drive was dying and I needed to send out my computer to be fixed. Now, however, I certainly do regularly it, in fact! I know I don’t want to go through that again. I was lucky, I had notice that my hard drive needed replacing, but some people aren’t that lucky!

Instead of living your life by the seat of your pants and reacting to all that happens to you – be in the driver’s seat and create outcomes that are both pleasing and stress free. Create a back-up plan; that “what if” plan. Be prepared and you’ll find that when your day throws you a curve ball, it can actually be quite enjoyable and fun.

By the way, I also did a Blog Talk Radio show on the ‘Best Laid Plan’, click here to listen: http://bit.ly/Q6oExQ

 

Filed Under: Personal Development Tagged With: , , , ,

Do you take your business personally?

June 11, 2014 By

woman at desk cryingDo you take your business personally? It’s an honest question. Most people say “It’s business, don’t take it personally.” But really, is that possible? I don’t think so. I think business is personal. Let’s face it, we are people. We are people who have lives, who love and care for others. As humans we are compassionate, thoughtful and we have feelings. So how can we take the feelings out of business? We can’t. We can, however, take the negativity out of it.

What do I mean by take the negativity out of it? A lot of business owners take ‘no’ personally. Let’s take a look at a service-based business such as a coach, personal trainer, massage therapist or even a virtual assistant. In these businesses it is customary to make offers to prospects to come and benefit from our services. Yet, when we hear ‘no’, we can take it to mean that the prospect is saying ‘no’ to us personally, when in fact it is to the services we provide.

I call this type of behavior victim behavior. It means that when we are told ‘no’, we feel as if we have been rejected and then we go down the “I’m not good enough” path… which never leads to anything positive. That is what I mean when I say take the negativity out of it. YOU are good enough. When you go into victim-mode your energy dwindles, you have less drive to get things done, and you certainly don’t feel like making another offer because — gosh forbid — if that person says ‘no’ too, you just won’t be able to deal with it.

Yes, we do take our businesses personally. I have been there. I have felt down and out when someone has said ‘no’ to me. I have felt like maybe I’m not good at this and who would want to work with me anyway. It wasn’t until I realized that I was being a victim and I was taking ‘no’ personally. What they were saying ‘no’ to, in reality, is themselves. They are saying no to their growth, their potential and their happiness.

Here is a secret: usually when someone who is a good fit for you says no, it is because they aren’t feeling as if they are good enough. They may be feeling they won’t get the great results you are telling them they can have. They may feel it will be too hard (another negative and certainly an excuse) and they won’t be able to live up to your expectations… or even their own.

Just so you know; many people use money as an excuse and truly sometimes it is a valid reason. However, if they have looked you up and asked to talk to you, chances are it is time for them to move forward and they may be fearful and in the victim mentality.

Thus, here are several “rules” to remember so that you don’t take ‘no’ personally in your business:

  • Rule #1: You are good enough, right here and right now!
  • Rule #2: You have what it takes to be powerful in every situation.
  • Rule #3: You are not your business – if someone says no, it isn’t ‘no’ personally.
  • Rule #4: Keep a list of the things that you excel at, and if you do take a ‘no’ personally pull those out and read them.
  • Rule #5: Remember Rule #1

Everyone feels as if they might not live up to expectations and therefore they might not even try. Whenever you hear a ‘no’, try to keep in mind also that it is a no now but not forever. I know I’m not the only one who has had a potential client say no and then come to me at another point in time and said yes. Oftentimes people need to think on things and to process it. Yes, sometimes they need to feel the pain of the struggle a little longer before they can say yes to themselves… which, remember, is who they ultimately are saying yes to.

A wise mentor once said to me, “You take yourself everywhere, so why not take the best of yourself each time, leaving behind the possibility to take things personally because it never serves you well.”

If you are a business owner who has taken ‘no’ personally — or even someone who has said ‘no’ to services only to change your mind or realize that you needed to say yes to yourself — I’d love to hear your experiences! Please feel free to email personally at kim@kimravida.com or better yet, share below, so that the rest of us can learn and grow!

Filed Under: Self Worth Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Are you a Leader?

June 5, 2014 By

Successful business teamWhat is leadership? Well, lots of people think it means leading others. But did you know that we lead ourselves too? You can only lead others successfully if you lead yourself well first.

Leadership in a traditional meaning, means – management, control, but it also means guidance, direction. If you are in a leader role, which of those two words do you think would produce your desired results? If you said ‘guidance and direction’, you get the prize! A true leader leads by guidance and direction. They understand that ‘manage and control’ do not evoke the warm and fuzzies from those they are responsible for. We can lead ourselves in the same way. We only need to listen to our internal guidance — our instincts, intuition or gut.

I worked with one manager of a fast food chain and she was struggling with her supervisors. The supervisors were taking a very strong position with the employees and the employees were pushing back and pretty much doing everything but what they were responsible for doing. My client was getting all up in arms about why her supervisors weren’t listening to her advice regarding the situation. It was quite interesting because the manager was behaving exactly as the supervisors were! She was taking a strong position with her supervisors so no wonder the results were less than expected.

What the manager soon realized was that she was being ineffective because she was managing and controlling the situation. What she needed to do was to guide and give direction. They all knew the outcome they wanted to achieve, yet were nowhere near reaching it. So she and I worked together to come up with the steps she needed to take — in a guiding and directing way — in order to reach the goals.

Here are some steps to guide and direct others so that you are in a leadership role in your work.

  1. Get the employee buy-in. In order to work in a team environment you need to know what motivates your team members. Now, there are a number of ways to do this but what I’m talking about is making the person(s) feel like they are an integral part to the overall goal and outcome. If someone feels like they are going to be making a difference, they are much more inclined to take action without resistance.
  2. Ask the employee how they see themselves involved in the work. People love to be asked for their opinions and thoughts — and even expertise.       If you engage your employee in the goal, and ask them how they see themselves participating and contributing, you will gain their trust and they will be eager to please and go above and beyond your expectations.
  3. Don’t take things personally and get out of the way. Many managers fail to become proficient at leading. They go back into the old manage and control paradigm and forget about the guidance and direction paradigm. This mostly happens because you are in charge and the fall-guy if people are not working out, so you feel that you need to manage and manipulate your workers. As we already found out, that doesn’t work out so well! Maybe you feel that if you don’t do things in a certain manner, you’ll be the one looking for a new job. So you actually manage/lead by fear; fear of you not living up to the expectations of your superiors and that is never a good place to be.

Leadership is a fine balance of allowing some independence of your employees and being the driver of the situation. Yet as the saying goes, and how true it is, “You get more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.” Do you want happy, productive, willing employees or do you want unhappy, disgruntled and negative employees? My guess is the former!

Filed Under: Personal Development Tagged With: , , , ,

Puzzles, Perfectionists and Perception

May 29, 2014 By

BLOG letters on corkboardI’ve decided to experiment with a new format. Usually I provide one article, but today I share my blog posts that you might have missed. They are insightful and though-provoking. You know I like to inspire action and change! Let me know what you think of the new format!

Do you like puzzles?
Life is like a jigsaw puzzle. There are lots of pieces that show up – often as problems – and you must try to solve them one after the other, and often it feels as if there are too many pieces and too many puzzles. Click here to read more…

Do you believe it?
Life is such a joy! Ok, give it to me. You thought or said to yourself “Really? Is she serious?” I know you did because I come across so many people who think that life has to be hard and things have to be difficult. They’re the ones that when something goes easy and simply, they wonder when the other shoe is going to fall. How did we get to this place of expecting the other shoe to fall? Why do we always look for what is wrong? Finish reading…

Are you too perfect?
Are you a perfectionist? Ah there it is, it’s out in the open. Did you say “Yes I am” loud and proud or did you said “Yes I am but I’m trying not to be”? But what is a perfectionist… really? Continue reading…

 

 

Filed Under: Personal Development, Self Worth Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Are you too perfect?

May 22, 2014 By

scoldedAre you a perfectionist?

Ah there it is, it’s out in the open. Did you say “Yes I am” loud and proud or did you said “Yes I am but I’m trying not to be”? But what is a perfectionist… really? Well, it’s a pain in the arse so to speak. It is someone for whom ‘good enough’ is never enough and they constantly tweak, fix and oftentimes never finish. A perfectionist agonizes over making decisions and choices. A perfectionist has a hard time answering questions. A perfectionist causes a lot of stress and anxiety not only for themselves but those around them.

What happens is that perfectionism often creates a lot of turmoil in our lives. It can take the joy out of life and truthfully it can drive people around us crazy. Perfectionism can show up for us when we are feeling ‘less than’, like we aren’t good enough or have to prove ourselves. We may have had an experience in our childhood — or adulthood actually — where we were criticized over something that made us feel that we had to be better and better.

I have a client (I’ll call her Jane) who was always compared to her sibling. Her mother would say “You are so immature. Why can’t you be more like your sister? She is mature and you aren’t.” So no wonder Jane felt that she needed to constantly strive do more. This experience has reinforced in her that she isn’t good enough in any aspect of her life and she is persistently going above and beyond to prove that she is good enough. Jane often goes to the place of “Why should I bother, nothing I do is ever good enough?” This translates into quite a lot of stress and negative energy in her life and her business.

Jane needed to change her ‘inner story’ in order to change her ‘outer results’. And once she got to the point where “good enough is good enough” she was finally able to be free of the “I’m not good enough” story that had ruled her life. She began to have more joy in her life and her business began to thrive. When she let go of being perfect, she let go of all of the negative energy that was surrounding her and creating a force field, if you will, that repelled what she actually wanted.

Perfectionist tendencies show up in all areas of our lives and remember, how we do one thing is how we do everything. While we want to put our best self and our best work forward, we also want to make sure that we aren’t creating situations where it is impossible to even get forward.

So where might you be holding yourself back because something isn’t perfect enough?

Filed Under: Personal Development, Self Worth Tagged With: , ,
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